Four Years!

     Today marks four years since Dwayne's memorial service. I can still recall very clearly many of the details of his last weeks four years ago. Other times, that time in 2014 seems like it belongs to someone else's life. Awhile back I  realized that the original title to this Blog-We've been this way before, no longer is fitting. This is all uncharted territory with so much that is the "new normal". So many things have changed, some because of necessity and others because they are painful. I have learned much from people in my life who have gone through similar circumstances, and others who have experienced hard things and knew that if it were not for family and friends coming along side of them they would be completely overwhelmed.

       Some observations that hit close to home: when you are no longer part of a couple-some relationships change. Friendships are different. Since I was the first one in the group of our friends to lose a spouse, many of my friends for 30+ years are in such a different place than I am. I have more in common with some remarkable women who are 20 years older that me. They have lived a lot of life and have taught me many wonderful lessons. They get some of the "hard" things-holidays, groups at church that are geared to couples, the frustrations of making all the decisions without someone to discuss it with. This especially hit home the past three months. Sometimes life can be "too much". This summer,  a pipe broke in the house and had major flooding. Much damage was done, and Jared and I needed to move out for two months. So friends let us stay in their guest condo. We moved back home four weeks ago, even though not everything was complete. This has been a huge hassle and an unexpected construction project-not something I reccomend two weeks before school starts at a brand new job! We got running water in the kitchen today. I'm thrilled!

     But the constant has been the faithfulness of family and friends. Again, I have been reminded that God has been there from the beginning and He's been faithful to take care of us. I have been stretched, sometimes I feel to the breaking point, but God will put someone in my path to encourage me, just at the right time, even though they may not be aware of it. For someone who tends to be more of an introvert, I have been in three new schools due to student teaching and my first job as a special ed teacher in a distrtict about an hour away from my home. Then, a long term sub job last year in a local district and now full time in that district in three different schools. This has been a stretch for someone who went to the same parking lot for 12 years-at two different schools. I have to put myself out there to meet new staff and parents, not always easy for me.  I have met many new people because of work situations and taking classes over the past three years, one thing that keeps coming back to me, everyone has a story and sometimes I need to get past my first impressions and know other people are dealing with big and small challenges in their lives. It pays to be patient.



This summer I got Dwayne's marker done. Since he is buried in Grass Valley, the wonderful lady who helped me plan it, sent me a photo a few weeks ago when it was installed. Was greatful for her kindness and help.

A bit of catching up-I wrote this awhile back and forgot to post it.

     It has been over a year since I updated. There has been so much happen in the past year, I figured it was the best way to give you the details, rather that a very long Facebook post.

     First of all is a change in the name of the blog. When I began this in 2011, the titled was a nod to Neil Diamond and his song "I've been this way before". Dwayne loved his music. Since Dwayne's diagnosis was the second time we had dealt with cancer during our marriage, We've been this way before seemed appropriate. The past two years have been completely uncharted territory for me, hence the name change.

     When I posted last, I mentioned that Jared had been hospitalized at our local hospital for balance problems. The result of that was a major surgery done at UCLA two weeks after I began classes at Concordia. Not the way to begin a new endeavor of going back to school.  The professors were so gracious and I had amazing help from friends and family, since after the surgery Jared had a 4 day hospital stay in LA,  I was still working and doing classes. The surgery was successful and his balance is normal again.

     School was a wild ride for me! Going back to school in your 50's is not for the faint of heart! Most of my fellow students were in their 20's and 30's, there were four of us older students too. I did give the 'youngsters' a few good giggles. After the first block of classes, and they were talking about their grades, I wondered why I hadn't gotten mine and mentioned that it was taking them awhile to arrive in the mail.  After, they quit laughing, one kind soul showed me how to find them on the school web-page. I enjoyed the other students so much. It was great being around their energy and enthusiasm. The nice thing with the program it was small and you got to know the other students and professors. I couldn't have asked for a better experience. So, in 13 months I completed 32 units and had my Education Specialist California Credential.

Six Months

     May 1st, I realized that it had been six months since Dwayne's memorial service. In November, I was still numb. If I could have known some of what the next six months would bring,  I might have opted for finding a secluded island and taken up goat raising....

     I have learned about dealing with more paperwork than I thought possible, taxes, insurance,  changing information legally and closing accounts. A number of them relatively easy, others have taken many phone calls and much patience!  The cell phone and the Edison credit union, two of the worst.

     There are times memories will hit when I least expect. I have been frustrated and angry when something needs to be done, and I don't want to deal with one more thing. Others when I look at where other people my age are in their lives. This such a different place where I imagined I would be at this time in my life.

     Easter Sunday, as I sat in church, I thought of Dwayne, my friend Joyce and William's dad, (William is a student in my class who lost his dad to cancer last summer),  enjoying their first Easter in heaven. Wow, I can't even imagine!

     Most of the time, I am grateful for the people in my life that have helped so much. The financial planner who has so patiently walked me through and helped me to understand retirement funds, 401Ks, stocks and all of that. He knows my 'deer in the headlights' look and will explain things over again, or draw me pictures! I told him after a few meetings, that I had listened to a stock market report on the news and it made sense. That took some doing! The guys who have helped with repairs that have been needing to get done. I appreciate the support so much. A friend who helped me do taxes, first time ours have ever been finished in March. Dwayne would put them off until the week of the 15th.


     In March, some of you know that Jared was in the hospital for three days. He was having some severe balance issues. In the emergency room when the nurse said they would be sending Jared up to the 3rd floor west- I asked her to come out into the hall so I could talk to her. The 3rd floor is the oncology floor-the last place I wanted to be. She explained that with all the flu going around, they knew that floor would be the 'cleanest'. The first day there, Jared had one of my favorite nurses that had taken care of Dwayne. It's bad when you have a favorite oncology nurse!  One doctor thought he had an ear infection that had gotten into his mastoid bone. The ENT didn't think that was the case. The ENT sent Jared up to a Head and Neck specialist at UCLA. That doctor sent him to an neurosurgeon. This makes the 6th neurosurgeon we have dealt with in 25 years, between Dwayne and Jared.  I think it is far too many! What they determined is for what ever reason, the bone around Jared's right ear has a 'bony deficit' and the dura surrounding the brain has herniated into this deficit and spinal fluid is leaking into the mastoid bone. So on May 18th, Jared with have surgery done by these two doctors at UCLA.

     After the first of the year, I began to do some job searching. Teaching in a private school has been okay for a secondary income, but not one that will meet expenses long term. I kept running into problems with not having a California credential. My Nevada credential is outdated first of all, and second, California won't recognize it. At the encouragement of Nathan and a friend who works at a local private college-with an excellent education program, in less than two months- I applied, ordered transcripts, got reference letters, did more paperwork, wrote essays, did a in person interview, took the CBEST and passed first time-and was accepted into the Education Specialist program! I began classes this week. So, if I can stay on track I should have my California credential in Special education finished next spring. It has been, and will continue to be a wild ride!

My first day of school. May 4th

     Between paperwork, hospitalizations, school and life in general, I have realized how many times this verse in Isaiah continues to have meaning. God's strength is the only thing getting me through.

   

Firsts

     This has been a week of "firsts". First family event without Dwayne, his birthday and Thanksgiving. We are taking the journey through this 'new normal'.

Nathan and Sara's wedding was on November 22nd. It was a beautiful day full of laughter, joy and a few tears.

     So glad for a wife that so fits Nathan! She is lovely and glad to have her as part of the family. On the 23rd, Nathan moved to Oregon. I will miss having him around. He has been such a great help over the past six weeks.

     Dwayne's birthday and Thanksgiving fell on the same day this year. He always loved it when it did. Jared and I were invited to my cousin's family in San Diego for the day. It was a good day and new memories were made.

   

One Month

In many ways it doesn't seem possible that it has been a month since Dwayne passed away. At times it seems much longer and other times I think he will be walking through the door any minute.

The past month has been full and bittersweet at times, like the morning I was with the pastor planning Dwayne's celebration of life service, then that same afternoon I went with Nathan and Jared as they got fitted for tuxes for Nathan's wedding. Paperwork and phone calls that have to be done, decisions to make. It is overwhelming at times. But God has placed so many wonderful people in my life, some who have been on this journey before and others who know the right thing to do, sometimes before I even had thought of it. I am grateful for all of them.

Nathan and Sara's wedding is Saturday. It will be a wonderful day and celebrated with family and friends, but there is a part of me that will be sad that Dwayne is not here to enjoy some of the life events to come.

Good bye-for a little while

There has been so much happen in the past two weeks.

Dwayne was admitted to the hospital on October 4th. He was running a fever and had some other things going on. He ended up being there for a week. During that time Dr. Cheng did an MRI. When the results came back they were not good. The chemo was not working this time. There were no more alternatives that his body could have handled.

On Sunday October 12th, he was moved to a board and care home, five minutes away from our house and hospice took over his care.

Yesterday afternoon, Dwayne passed away. Nathan, Jared and I were with him.  He is now whole and no longer limited in an body that was failing.

We appreciate all your prayers, love and support as we went through this journey. Even though I am hurting now, I do take comfort in that I know I will see him again, whole and healthy and cancer can't ever touch him.

For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, not angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor depth, not any created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus, our Lord.
                                                                                 Romans 8:38-39

Roller Coaster Week

Most of you who know me well, know I am not a fan of roller coasters. Especially the ones that involve heights!

This week has had a roller coster feel to it.

     Monday involved dealing with a doctor who I have never actually met, but I am not a fan. I've only dealt with him on the phone and seen an order he wrote. This is not the guy you would not want cheering you on in any competition.

     Tuesday was the beginning of Dwayne's second round of chemo. This involved him being transferred to a hospital about five miles away. This is a different one that he was at before, but they were good.  At least this time he was able to be transported by a wheel chair taxi instead of an ambulance. The chemo was done as an inpatient and then he went back to the skilled nursing facility that evening. The second part of the chemo could be done there, since it is tablets. He finished the five days yesterday. Dr. Cheng, his oncologist had some hard things to say about Dwayne walking again. He is not sure weather the damage is permeant or not.

     Wednesday was tough in that Dwayne was tired and his speech and coordination were worse. It was a hard day for me to watch him.

     Thursday we were blessed again with the group of men that have been so wonderful about helping to get the house accessible,  came and finished our bedroom floor with laminate flooring. They have done the living room, kitchen, hall and our room. All rooms are now easy for a wheelchair to get around in and no thresholds! These guys have given up their time in some of the hottest days we have had all summer to do this for us! The contractor told me that he will start to work on the bathroom on the 6th of October. Such great news!


Friday, God provided for a need that we had, in an unexpected way!

     Over the weekend one of Dwayne's former coworkers call to say that they are hiring back at San Onofre. He was looking to see if Dwayne was interested. He didn't know what was going on with him. Then  two of the guys he worked with before came to see him today. This was good for him. Dwayne was more animated than I have seen him in a couple of weeks. His speech was clearer and louder too. Very good signs!

Please keep praying that the chemo does its job!

After a hard week emotionally and physically for both of us, I can still say "God is in control of this and all of our needs are going to be met."

Thanks to all of you who went out of your way to make my birthday special!  Alice, who thought to leave a card with Dwayne to give to me,  Shannon who planned a nice happy birthday celebration with the class, one of the kids asked me if I was 15, that's old to a 5 year old.  Esther  surprised me with tea, always a treat! Dinner with Tim and Alice Friday evening and then a visit with Tim and Cindy on Sunday.  Along with the cards and emails too,  I felt very loved!