Four Years!

     Today marks four years since Dwayne's memorial service. I can still recall very clearly many of the details of his last weeks four years ago. Other times, that time in 2014 seems like it belongs to someone else's life. Awhile back I  realized that the original title to this Blog-We've been this way before, no longer is fitting. This is all uncharted territory with so much that is the "new normal". So many things have changed, some because of necessity and others because they are painful. I have learned much from people in my life who have gone through similar circumstances, and others who have experienced hard things and knew that if it were not for family and friends coming along side of them they would be completely overwhelmed.

       Some observations that hit close to home: when you are no longer part of a couple-some relationships change. Friendships are different. Since I was the first one in the group of our friends to lose a spouse, many of my friends for 30+ years are in such a different place than I am. I have more in common with some remarkable women who are 20 years older that me. They have lived a lot of life and have taught me many wonderful lessons. They get some of the "hard" things-holidays, groups at church that are geared to couples, the frustrations of making all the decisions without someone to discuss it with. This especially hit home the past three months. Sometimes life can be "too much". This summer,  a pipe broke in the house and had major flooding. Much damage was done, and Jared and I needed to move out for two months. So friends let us stay in their guest condo. We moved back home four weeks ago, even though not everything was complete. This has been a huge hassle and an unexpected construction project-not something I reccomend two weeks before school starts at a brand new job! We got running water in the kitchen today. I'm thrilled!

     But the constant has been the faithfulness of family and friends. Again, I have been reminded that God has been there from the beginning and He's been faithful to take care of us. I have been stretched, sometimes I feel to the breaking point, but God will put someone in my path to encourage me, just at the right time, even though they may not be aware of it. For someone who tends to be more of an introvert, I have been in three new schools due to student teaching and my first job as a special ed teacher in a distrtict about an hour away from my home. Then, a long term sub job last year in a local district and now full time in that district in three different schools. This has been a stretch for someone who went to the same parking lot for 12 years-at two different schools. I have to put myself out there to meet new staff and parents, not always easy for me.  I have met many new people because of work situations and taking classes over the past three years, one thing that keeps coming back to me, everyone has a story and sometimes I need to get past my first impressions and know other people are dealing with big and small challenges in their lives. It pays to be patient.



This summer I got Dwayne's marker done. Since he is buried in Grass Valley, the wonderful lady who helped me plan it, sent me a photo a few weeks ago when it was installed. Was greatful for her kindness and help.

A bit of catching up-I wrote this awhile back and forgot to post it.

     It has been over a year since I updated. There has been so much happen in the past year, I figured it was the best way to give you the details, rather that a very long Facebook post.

     First of all is a change in the name of the blog. When I began this in 2011, the titled was a nod to Neil Diamond and his song "I've been this way before". Dwayne loved his music. Since Dwayne's diagnosis was the second time we had dealt with cancer during our marriage, We've been this way before seemed appropriate. The past two years have been completely uncharted territory for me, hence the name change.

     When I posted last, I mentioned that Jared had been hospitalized at our local hospital for balance problems. The result of that was a major surgery done at UCLA two weeks after I began classes at Concordia. Not the way to begin a new endeavor of going back to school.  The professors were so gracious and I had amazing help from friends and family, since after the surgery Jared had a 4 day hospital stay in LA,  I was still working and doing classes. The surgery was successful and his balance is normal again.

     School was a wild ride for me! Going back to school in your 50's is not for the faint of heart! Most of my fellow students were in their 20's and 30's, there were four of us older students too. I did give the 'youngsters' a few good giggles. After the first block of classes, and they were talking about their grades, I wondered why I hadn't gotten mine and mentioned that it was taking them awhile to arrive in the mail.  After, they quit laughing, one kind soul showed me how to find them on the school web-page. I enjoyed the other students so much. It was great being around their energy and enthusiasm. The nice thing with the program it was small and you got to know the other students and professors. I couldn't have asked for a better experience. So, in 13 months I completed 32 units and had my Education Specialist California Credential.

Six Months

     May 1st, I realized that it had been six months since Dwayne's memorial service. In November, I was still numb. If I could have known some of what the next six months would bring,  I might have opted for finding a secluded island and taken up goat raising....

     I have learned about dealing with more paperwork than I thought possible, taxes, insurance,  changing information legally and closing accounts. A number of them relatively easy, others have taken many phone calls and much patience!  The cell phone and the Edison credit union, two of the worst.

     There are times memories will hit when I least expect. I have been frustrated and angry when something needs to be done, and I don't want to deal with one more thing. Others when I look at where other people my age are in their lives. This such a different place where I imagined I would be at this time in my life.

     Easter Sunday, as I sat in church, I thought of Dwayne, my friend Joyce and William's dad, (William is a student in my class who lost his dad to cancer last summer),  enjoying their first Easter in heaven. Wow, I can't even imagine!

     Most of the time, I am grateful for the people in my life that have helped so much. The financial planner who has so patiently walked me through and helped me to understand retirement funds, 401Ks, stocks and all of that. He knows my 'deer in the headlights' look and will explain things over again, or draw me pictures! I told him after a few meetings, that I had listened to a stock market report on the news and it made sense. That took some doing! The guys who have helped with repairs that have been needing to get done. I appreciate the support so much. A friend who helped me do taxes, first time ours have ever been finished in March. Dwayne would put them off until the week of the 15th.


     In March, some of you know that Jared was in the hospital for three days. He was having some severe balance issues. In the emergency room when the nurse said they would be sending Jared up to the 3rd floor west- I asked her to come out into the hall so I could talk to her. The 3rd floor is the oncology floor-the last place I wanted to be. She explained that with all the flu going around, they knew that floor would be the 'cleanest'. The first day there, Jared had one of my favorite nurses that had taken care of Dwayne. It's bad when you have a favorite oncology nurse!  One doctor thought he had an ear infection that had gotten into his mastoid bone. The ENT didn't think that was the case. The ENT sent Jared up to a Head and Neck specialist at UCLA. That doctor sent him to an neurosurgeon. This makes the 6th neurosurgeon we have dealt with in 25 years, between Dwayne and Jared.  I think it is far too many! What they determined is for what ever reason, the bone around Jared's right ear has a 'bony deficit' and the dura surrounding the brain has herniated into this deficit and spinal fluid is leaking into the mastoid bone. So on May 18th, Jared with have surgery done by these two doctors at UCLA.

     After the first of the year, I began to do some job searching. Teaching in a private school has been okay for a secondary income, but not one that will meet expenses long term. I kept running into problems with not having a California credential. My Nevada credential is outdated first of all, and second, California won't recognize it. At the encouragement of Nathan and a friend who works at a local private college-with an excellent education program, in less than two months- I applied, ordered transcripts, got reference letters, did more paperwork, wrote essays, did a in person interview, took the CBEST and passed first time-and was accepted into the Education Specialist program! I began classes this week. So, if I can stay on track I should have my California credential in Special education finished next spring. It has been, and will continue to be a wild ride!

My first day of school. May 4th

     Between paperwork, hospitalizations, school and life in general, I have realized how many times this verse in Isaiah continues to have meaning. God's strength is the only thing getting me through.

   

Firsts

     This has been a week of "firsts". First family event without Dwayne, his birthday and Thanksgiving. We are taking the journey through this 'new normal'.

Nathan and Sara's wedding was on November 22nd. It was a beautiful day full of laughter, joy and a few tears.

     So glad for a wife that so fits Nathan! She is lovely and glad to have her as part of the family. On the 23rd, Nathan moved to Oregon. I will miss having him around. He has been such a great help over the past six weeks.

     Dwayne's birthday and Thanksgiving fell on the same day this year. He always loved it when it did. Jared and I were invited to my cousin's family in San Diego for the day. It was a good day and new memories were made.

   

One Month

In many ways it doesn't seem possible that it has been a month since Dwayne passed away. At times it seems much longer and other times I think he will be walking through the door any minute.

The past month has been full and bittersweet at times, like the morning I was with the pastor planning Dwayne's celebration of life service, then that same afternoon I went with Nathan and Jared as they got fitted for tuxes for Nathan's wedding. Paperwork and phone calls that have to be done, decisions to make. It is overwhelming at times. But God has placed so many wonderful people in my life, some who have been on this journey before and others who know the right thing to do, sometimes before I even had thought of it. I am grateful for all of them.

Nathan and Sara's wedding is Saturday. It will be a wonderful day and celebrated with family and friends, but there is a part of me that will be sad that Dwayne is not here to enjoy some of the life events to come.

Good bye-for a little while

There has been so much happen in the past two weeks.

Dwayne was admitted to the hospital on October 4th. He was running a fever and had some other things going on. He ended up being there for a week. During that time Dr. Cheng did an MRI. When the results came back they were not good. The chemo was not working this time. There were no more alternatives that his body could have handled.

On Sunday October 12th, he was moved to a board and care home, five minutes away from our house and hospice took over his care.

Yesterday afternoon, Dwayne passed away. Nathan, Jared and I were with him.  He is now whole and no longer limited in an body that was failing.

We appreciate all your prayers, love and support as we went through this journey. Even though I am hurting now, I do take comfort in that I know I will see him again, whole and healthy and cancer can't ever touch him.

For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, not angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor depth, not any created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus, our Lord.
                                                                                 Romans 8:38-39

Roller Coaster Week

Most of you who know me well, know I am not a fan of roller coasters. Especially the ones that involve heights!

This week has had a roller coster feel to it.

     Monday involved dealing with a doctor who I have never actually met, but I am not a fan. I've only dealt with him on the phone and seen an order he wrote. This is not the guy you would not want cheering you on in any competition.

     Tuesday was the beginning of Dwayne's second round of chemo. This involved him being transferred to a hospital about five miles away. This is a different one that he was at before, but they were good.  At least this time he was able to be transported by a wheel chair taxi instead of an ambulance. The chemo was done as an inpatient and then he went back to the skilled nursing facility that evening. The second part of the chemo could be done there, since it is tablets. He finished the five days yesterday. Dr. Cheng, his oncologist had some hard things to say about Dwayne walking again. He is not sure weather the damage is permeant or not.

     Wednesday was tough in that Dwayne was tired and his speech and coordination were worse. It was a hard day for me to watch him.

     Thursday we were blessed again with the group of men that have been so wonderful about helping to get the house accessible,  came and finished our bedroom floor with laminate flooring. They have done the living room, kitchen, hall and our room. All rooms are now easy for a wheelchair to get around in and no thresholds! These guys have given up their time in some of the hottest days we have had all summer to do this for us! The contractor told me that he will start to work on the bathroom on the 6th of October. Such great news!


Friday, God provided for a need that we had, in an unexpected way!

     Over the weekend one of Dwayne's former coworkers call to say that they are hiring back at San Onofre. He was looking to see if Dwayne was interested. He didn't know what was going on with him. Then  two of the guys he worked with before came to see him today. This was good for him. Dwayne was more animated than I have seen him in a couple of weeks. His speech was clearer and louder too. Very good signs!

Please keep praying that the chemo does its job!

After a hard week emotionally and physically for both of us, I can still say "God is in control of this and all of our needs are going to be met."

Thanks to all of you who went out of your way to make my birthday special!  Alice, who thought to leave a card with Dwayne to give to me,  Shannon who planned a nice happy birthday celebration with the class, one of the kids asked me if I was 15, that's old to a 5 year old.  Esther  surprised me with tea, always a treat! Dinner with Tim and Alice Friday evening and then a visit with Tim and Cindy on Sunday.  Along with the cards and emails too,  I felt very loved!

Four Weeks!

Yesterday marked four weeks since Dwayne was admitted to the hospital. After two weeks there, he was transferred to a skilled nursing facility. He is making progress, but it is slow. Feeling and strength are coming back to his legs, but he can not bear weight at this time. The PT is using a standing table for him everyday. He is standing-with support for about 11 minutes. He has three more radiation treatments that should end on Monday. Tuesday he will be admitted to the hospital and get his second round of chemotherapy.

Today we have a progress meeting with the rehab team to see where he is on meeting his goals and setting some new ones. We would appreciate your prayers.

We have been blessed by so many people in the past month, I couldn't list everything. Thanks to all of you whom we call family and friends!

Progress!

God has been so good!
Dwayne was able to stay at our local (best, in my opinion!) hospital. After, many prayers and a strongly worded note from his oncologist, the insurance agreed. On Thursday, the hospitalist doctor, saw me in the hall and ran to catch me. He said "I don't know who you know or what you did, but Dwayne can stay at Mission and they are working on the rehab referral." He came into Dwayne's room a few minutes later, and talked to both of us. He said this only happens once or twice a year! He was very surprised. I told him that there were people praying all over the country for Dwayne and the situation. He looked at me kind of funny and went on with the conversation. At the end of our talk, he said "Will you pray to bless me?" I said we would.

Ralph Van Persuem, ( a very sweet, long time friend) was there on Friday when Dr. "D" (his name I have a hard time pronouncing, and even harder time spelling) came by to check on Dwayne. Ralph  thanked him for all his care for us and told him he was praying for him. Think Dr. D was surprised. We have know Ralph and his wife Pat for over 30 years. They adopted us a long time ago and have been like another set of grandparents to Nathan and Jared.

Friday night, Dwayne was moved to the rehab unit at Mission. Hopefully, his stay will be about two weeks. He will receive physical therapy about 3 hours a day. The PT told him on Saturday, that she doesn't expect that he will be walking by the time he leaves there, but he will in time. Her goals are strengthening, safe transfers, and beginning to bear weight. This will be with a lot of hard work on his part, and time for the radiation and chemo to do their jobs.

Thank you again for keeping us in your prayers.

Again???

Well, I had hopes of of never reviving this blog, but............

Some of you have been aware that there were issues that were concerning us about Dwayne's health over the past couple of weeks. He was having some balance problems, falls and then very quickly lost sensation and movement in both legs.

After an MRI on the 14th of August, a visit with the neuro-oncologist at UCLA on the 18th and a PET scan on the 19th. He was admitted to the hospital on the 20th. The lymphoma is back in his brain and spine.  He has now had six radiation treatments to his spine and one course of one chemo-retuxin, and  three doses of another chemo, temadar, he has two more of this over the next two days. The goal is to shrink the lesion in his spine, quickly before it does any permanent damage. He can't have radiation to his brain again. The chemo will hopefully shrink those. These are the same to chemo drugs he took for a year and a half. He has been cancer free for almost three years. The UCLA doctor said you have to look at this type of cancer as chronic. You manage it. He has a patient  that he has treated three different times over a ten year period. He said that the man will have 3-4 good years, then needs a tune up!

We have had some battles with the insurance company about keeping him at the hospital he's in, I feel it is the best place for his care. Today, we got the ok-that he can stay!! An answer to many prayers.

Hope to be on this floor a couple more days, then move to the rehab unit in the hospital.  He would not be safe at home at this time.
We appreciate your prayers as we make this journey again.
Lisa & Dwayne

Two Years!

     It was two years ago this week that Dwayne had the MRI that landed him in the ICU at our local hospital. We had no way of knowing what our life would be like two months from then, let alone two years.

     Many of you have followed and been a part of this journey. We have appreciated your prayers, kindness and practical help. We would not have made it through without you!!

     Dwayne is going through a job search workshop that Edison is providing for the retirees. He has enjoyed the classes and has one more week to go. He has found them to be beneficial, especially for someone who has not looked for a job in nearly 30 years.

     The biggest news is that the local oncologist and the UCLA neuro-oncologist both agreed that he had enough chemo, he has done more than anyone else in the study. Some people only did 2-8 rounds after radiation. Dwayne had 19! We had expected the chemo to go through July. But he is done! So, we'll see how his strength and endurance does as the drugs get out of his system. He will continue to have MRIs every three months and do a follow up visit with the local doctor at that time.

It's been awhile....

It seems like the past couple of months have flown by. Let's see if I can catch you up a bit.

     Dwayne's retirement did come through and he was 'officially' retired the end of November. We think all the paperwork is finally done.  He has been doing some 'honey dos' around the house, that have needed to get done. His stamina is getting better.  He also has been enjoying reading. Something he has not be able to do for the past couple of years. He said it is nice to read a book and be able to remember what you read the day before! He will start looking for something part time in the next month. Edison has a couple of agencies who place former employees, so he will be looking into that.

     We were able to get up to northern California for Christmas. That was a special time. Big THANK YOU to my sister Kerri for hosting all of us!  Some of the relatives had not been together in about seven years. It was great.

     The school year is going well. So glad to be teaching with Shannon again this year. We have a great class! It's hard to believe that the school year is nearly half over. We began parent/teacher conferences last week and will finish them up this week.

     Some of you are aware of what has gone on the past week in the family. Last week, Jared was having some health issues that landed him in the ER in Monterey. After some tests, he was found to have a hiatal hernia and some other stomach issues. God provided for him to get back to southern California on Wednesday. Not the best week for us to travel, since Dwayne was doing his chemo week. Round 18 is now completed. Hopefully, only 6 more to go!

     Jared will have follow up visits with a GI doctor and an ENT on Tuesday. We are not sure if this is related to the drug trial he's been undergoing. The oncologist at UCLA doesn't think so, but we'll see. Please pray for wisdom in dealing with this. We feel for the time being it is best to bring him back down to San Clemente. He needs to be careful of his diet, rest, etc. for awhile. Dwayne and Nathan will go back to Monterey to get his things in a week or so. Jared has had wonderful landlords who have kept a good eye on him. We are grateful to them.


     Never dull here......

Answers are coming slowly, but they are coming!

Dear Friends,

     This has been a difficult couple of weeks on many levels. A lot of decisions to make, some without much information. We have had to trust that God is in control of our future.

     Dwayne did turn in his paperwork for retirement last Friday. It can be accepted, delayed or denied-if the 'powers that be' decide they need him to stay there for awhile. We wait and see. Hopefully, in a couple of weeks we should have some answers.

     Nathan had the condo he was renting sold unexpectedly. He had a few days to move because he was working in Santa Barbara last week. So, he is back with us while he looks for a new rental.

     Jared was down from Monterey for a few days last week. The drug trial at UCLA is going well, the doctor is pleased with the results. He is still looking for a job.

    On the other front-we met with Dwayne's oncologist yesterday. The MRI he had last week was CLEAR-no changes from July!  Next week will be round 15 of the chemo.

     So, it has been a bit of an emotional roller-coaster the past couple of weeks, hope it will settle down some. Maybe, I can get a good night's sleep. Feeling drained.

Thanks for all your prayers and encouragement!

   

Update on the Update!

Dwayne's meeting with the supervisor was postponed last week. It has not be rescheduled. So, things are up in the air. We would appreciate prayers for wisdom. Really unsure how to proceed. He did confirm today that his birthday being 11 days after the cut off will not be a problem. So that is one answer.

He will have an MRI tomorrow afternoon-2:30 California time. Praying that there are no changes from the July MRI.

Thanks for standing with us.
Lisa

Update

     I know it has been awhile since I have caught you up with the Roberts' household. Actually, that is a good thing-we have been operating on a new normal and it's ok! Dwayne has done well being back at work for the past four months. He has had to re-certify in all his qualifications since he was off the premises for more than a year. Even got a call from an east coast security company to make sure he was not out of the country for illegal activities. Think he was ok on that one, he was not even out of the county! Has passed them all except one, that involves remembering a major amount of data. Think story problems on steroids! He will be able to retake that one. 

     A couple of things we could use your prayers on are as follows. Dwayne will have another MRI the middle of October. We don't have a date yet. We would appreciate prayers, that there have been no changes since July.  Also, Southern California Edison is going to be doing a significant layoff over the next few months, 700 people. To some, they will be offered early retirement-but they have to be 55 years old, by the cut off of November 16th.  Dwayne will miss that by 11 days. But as of November 8th he has 30 years with the company. So we are unsure of where that will leave him. 

     Our family has grown by one. Nathan surprised me with a cat for my birthday a couple of weeks ago. His name is Jeeves and he has settled right in and been great company.

MRI Results

For some of you this will be a repeat.

Dwayne and I saw the oncologist yesterday afternoon. The MRI looks good. There are still two areas-one 2mm , one 3mm that they are watching. They do not appear to be lymphoma. Dr. Cheng spoke with the radiologist while we were in the room and after a lot of conversation in "doctor", the term they used was artifacts (Didn't realize this was an archeology project). Could be scar tissue, or a blood vessel that is throwing a shadow. But bottom line-There is no change since May! That is the good news.

 So for now, we continue on with "normal". He will have three rounds of chemo, for you who are counting this will be the 13th round next week. Then another MRI in October.

Dr. Cheng was pleased with how Dwayne is doing. It was good encouragement for him. His strength continues to improve. He is working four full days a week. Has so much vacation time that will expire, he is taking Fridays off until sometime mid-November. He gets tried easily, but on the other had he is doing more. Dr. Cheng reminded him that for all the has been done to his body in the past year and a half, he is doing very well. Sometimes I don't realize there is much Dwayne does not remember about last year (in some ways this is a good thing). I am glad for this wonderful man in our life!

I realize that I have been on a bit of an emotional roller coaster the past 8 weeks. Even though I know that God has everything under control. I'm a planner and like to know what is coming at me. One thing this last year has taught me is to not hang on to my plans too tightly.

Thank you all for standing beside us through all of this.

Thirty three years!

We just got back from a wonderful three days along the central California coast. We celebrated our 33rd anniversary, enjoying the beautiful scenery, a great tour of an old light house and the grounds near San Simeon and stayed a delightful bed and breakfast in Cambria. Thank you Tim and Alice for introducing us to this area.

A full month of May!

 It has been a busy two weeks at the Roberts' household! On May 19th, Jared graduated from CSUMonterey Bay. The ceremony was wonderful and a very special day for all of us. We were in Monterey for four days. Two of those spent getting Jared moved into his new place. He has a very nice room that he is renting in Carmel. A Christian family from his church rent out two of their rooms. He was all ready to begin work on May 24th. Two days before he was supposed to start. He got a call that a contract that they were expecting was delayed. He is continuing to look in the area for another job, or hope this one will open up soon.

At Jared's Capstone (senior project) presentation. 

Look at the list of thank yous...

Go Otters!

Beautiful Coast!

The graduate!

A windy, but sunny day! 

Dwayne and Jared
Two miracles!

This week a year ago, Dwayne was in the rehab unit using a wheelchair or walker. We even took a couple of walks on the beach! Grateful for God's blessings!

Dwayne was able to make a trip up to northern California. He had a good visit with his parents and sister. It has been almost two years since he had seen them. A big thanks to my sister, Kerri for the plane ticket!




On May 29th, he went back to work for the first time in 14 months! He is glad to be back. So far, it is going well. This week he is doing his 11th round of chemo. His last MRI showed a "smudge" the oncologist's word. He will be repeating the scan in July to see what it is doing. There is a good chance that this is only scar tissue. We appreciate your prayers on this.

Exciting things are happening!

Happy Mother's Day!

Today was bittersweet in some ways for me. This was the first time in 27 years, neither Nathan or Jared were living here.

Two weeks ago, I told you that Dwayne had gotten his driver's license reinstated. He has been driving quite a bit, even solo twice. He is doing very well. The latest for him is that he got a release from the doctor to return to work the beginning of June.

Two weeks ago, Jared was called back for a second interview for a company in Monterey. He really wanted to stay in the area, since there are more opportunities in the marine science field there. He found out on Monday that he got the job! In this economy to be able to get a job in the field he has wanted to go into since he was 13 years old.  Yesterday, he found a place to live in the area. We will be going up next week for his graduation!

Many years ago when Nathan was just a toddler, my wise friend Pat, whose children were grown, told me "As a mom, your responsibility is to work yourself out of a job." I have never forgotten that. The sweetness is seeing Nathan and Jared becoming responsible, godly men.  I am proud of them both.

Big Step-today!!!

This year has been a year of small steps. When Dwayne first came home from the rehab unit last May. It was like having a toddler in some ways, he could not be left alone, reasoning skills were not always the best.. Mid-summer, he could be left alone for short periods of time, was reasonably good about getting his homework done for rehab, fix a simple meal for himself, things you could expect from a older elementary student. Since the fall, I could go for the morning to teach, leave him with a list of things to do around the house and he was pretty good about getting them done. So, we're talking middle schooler.

Then we come to today, after 13 months.....

  He got his drivers license reinstated today !!!

This was a huge step for him. I'm so proud of him!

Now, where do I go to turn in my chauffeurs license?